When I first started blogging, I started by writing online as a personal journal to myself. It was a little thing only had a few public posts where I could go and write down what I was feeling and my various experiences. Since then, my blog has expanded beyond that, and though I still share some of my experiences, I haven’t share many very personal experiences with you all – ones particularly that address my own mental health. Only recently did I share something somewhat personal on a post about self-worth.
Today, I want to do that.
When I was in high school, I dealt with a lot of conflicted emotions about my worth and who I was as a person. I felt myself always trying to fit the mold of who my family wanted me to be and the mold of being accepted in school. Because of that, I began to not fully like myself because I didn’t know who I was. Then in college, I broke.
I went through a very hard moment of depression that I have not fully came out of. I contemplated suicide and even made a plan on how to do it. My sister was the one who saved me during this time and brought me back up for air. I got by for a while and created adventures to keep myself busy and distracted. In that time, I wasn’t very aware of what mental health was and how to go about talking about it. So I kept going, moving forward with what I thought I had in front of me.
For the past seven years, I had kept myself so busy that I could never let my head or my heart stop me from feeling the depression that I do. Honestly, it has always been there, but it is easier to ignore it and hide it when you constantly have something going on and your consistently surrounded by other people.
This past year, everything settled down. There hasn’t been a big event to plan, and I spend a lot of time on my own. The hurt came back, and I started to realize that I could not heal this pain because I didn’t know who I was fully.
I started acting out, trying things that I hadn’t before, and doing things a little more selfishly than I had ever done before in life. And now I’m here in this moment, still trying to figure me out.
My life has been a rollercoaster and this pause in life is exactly what I need to figure out my importance in life. I’m going to be completely honest with you – this process so far hasn’t been easy. It’s caused a lot of conflict in my life that is not necessarily moving me forward. But I take it in stride and lean on my family when needed.
I’m not sure when this pain will heal. I am not sure that it will ever heal fully.
But I’m here, and I’m fighting for my life and my happiness.
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{{Photos by Stephanie Vasilidias}}
